Madmans_den's page 8

~~Madman's Den Single Again page~~

Divorce: Webster defines divorce as “the action or an instance of legally dissolving a marriage”. Sounds pretty simple doesn’t it? Ah, but it is much more than that. Divorce is an action of power plays, games, lies and deceptions and it is all about who has the best lawyer and when to strike best. See what I have learned is that contrary to the belief that honesty is the best policy and the belief that the judicial system is based on truth and honesty, it really is a matter of how much you pay an attorney to lie for you.

Doesn’t that sound interesting? For me it was an eye opener.

Idealistically I was taught through life that marriage is a bond that is suppose to last forever. Vows are taken, meant forever, of trust, honesty, fidelity and respect all of which get thrown asunder at the filing of a divorce.

In the end a divorce is all about money, plain and simple as money is the root of all compromises and filings, especially if your spouse values money more than life itself.

Further more in the actual end it all comes down to tables and lamps.

Who gets what table or lamp?

Who gets to protect their assets?

Who gets to come across the innocent victim for the benefit of remaining innocent in the eyes of their family?

Who gets the friends?

But then I guess I am jumping ahead of myself here.

So let’s back up.

I met my wife in 7th grade, the first day of school which I can remember like yesterday. I had recently moved to a new neighborhood and was attending Jr. High School. I do remember sitting in the front row, nervous as hell and then everything seemed to go in slow motion. I turned and looked back and saw my future wife walk through the back door of the classroom with her friends and knew in an instant that someday she would be my wife. Time actually slowed down, just like in the movies. Through the years we became friends. I remember attending a dance from school during the holidays where we attended as dates of someone else and ended up spending time together. I remember going to a 9th grade prom with someone and ended up spending the prom together as friends. High school came next and the friendship continued though we both dated someone else. We attended the senior prom together and at that point our relationship changed more serious. Upon graduation she summered in California and we wrote each other everyday. Returning home we went steady and within a year was engaged, 3 years later we were married. A couple of months prior to getting married I lost my job and so we were married with me being unemployed on unemployment insurance. Our first apartment was on the 3rd floor in the same house that my parents lived in, their apartment was on the 1st floor. Within a year I was working at a local company and we moved into my wife’s family home after her parents moved to upstate NY. Within a year we had our first daughter, 3 years later another daughter was born with cystic fibrosis. In between there were a few miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy that devasted us both. We remained in that house for several years raising our daughters. Our daughter with CF required extensive medical care with frequent doctor visits and hospitalizations. Although both of us worked full time, money was tight as the expenses were very high. There were times of having money and being without money over and over again.

In the 80’s family members who were the backbone of my upbringing slowly started to pass with time as age is something none of us can avoid. One by one, uncles and aunts passed away one after another. Each time I felt that there was a lesson to be learned from the deaths, something inside told me I was being prepared for something in the future.

Eventually we moved out of the house and decided to relocate to upstate NY. My wife and daughters moved to NY while I stayed working at the company I worked for. I moved in with my parents for several months and visited my family on weekends. The intended move to NY turned out to a failure and my wife and daughters moved back to Massachusetts where we got a luxury apartment not far from my parents. In 1990 my mother passed away after battling pancreatic cancer for several months. Ironically her being diagnosed with cancer followed her decision to go into retirement. Numbness filled my insides, as I had lost not only my mother, but my best friend.

In all fairness I have to note that my wife helped to provide personal care in the last months of my mother’s life. My wife had returned to school to be a nurse. Contrary however to what she has been said to people she did not provide sole care for my mother, a lot of care yes to which I am acknowledging and thankful for but care was also provided by a couple of family members, hospice services and me.

As I made funeral arrangements with my sister a gut feeling told me that I was being prepared for more to come down the road. I would spend the next year teaching my father to run a household as he had retired by then. I lost my job after 13 years of employment and a decision was made to try once again to relocate to upstate NY to be near my wife’s family. My wife and daughters moved to NY while I stayed behind closing up our family home and tending to my father. Following the move to NY I took a job at a company in Cobleskill and after several months we had a son who also was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis.

But the move brought changes to the family and relationships. As the girls became teenagers friction developed between them and their mother. They rebelled from being controlled by their mother. A family counselor identified my role as being “the mediator”. Jennifer’s relationship with her mother was strained and in some ways still is. Jennifer would eventually move out of the house and start a life on her own when she became of age. Jessica’s health declined which lead to her death in 2000. By then the relationship between my wife and I was rock bottom. I remained living in the house for a year following Jessica’s death and then moved out in the fall of 2001.

So what happened between 1990 and 2000 to make such a change?

First of all, I have to say that I never understood how a couple can make the decision to end a marriage. I remember we were friends with a couple who came over one night after we were married for a short time and during wine and snacks ended their marriage right in our living room. I always thought this couple had a perfect marriage, it seemed so perfect. They managed a small motel in Newport RI and in fact we spent the first night of our wedding their prior to leaving the next day for our honeymoon. They ended their marriage basically over a casual conversation we were having and I actually thought they were kidding. But true to their word they separated and divorced and I shook my head in disbelief over the whole thing.

So why did I want a divorce?

I knew something wasn’t right. It wasn’t really until 1995, 19 years into the marriage when the internet brought eye opening news to me. I realized that through the years I didn’t have close friends, because close friends brought arguments. If I talked too long to a teacher, doctor, co-worker I was accused of fooling around. The internet brought independence for me and with independence came revolution and that started a drift in our relationship. I realized I was being controlled, manipulated, I felt suffocated, I felt anger and I wanted out. I remember not being able to finish a sentence without her taking over the conversation and taking credit for whatever I was talking about. One time sitting at the dining room table with family I was speaking about going to the school and having words with one of the teachers when my wife piped in and finished the story taking credit for all that was said and done. I looked at her in awe and told her she wasn’t even there when it took place. Her response was that it didn’t matter and she went on with the story.

I remember being taken out of work by a doctor and going to physical therapy some of which had to be done at home. I was lying on the floor connected to a contraption they had sent to the house to be used for those days I was not at the therapist. This contraption basically put me in traction which was quite painful, she stood over me and made fun saying I was crippled. I remember following my father’s death and closing up the family home returning to NY depressed. During that time Jessica was given 6 months to live unless she had a double lung transplant. I saw a therapist and was on depression medication. She told me I was a basket case and made fun of me. I fought depression for 2 years and overcame it without her help or support.

One time on a trip to Boston for Jess to see her doctor we got into a huge fight while I was driving. I was so shook up that when I got to the toll booth I couldn’t find the ticket and stopped the vehicle. The toll booth attendant was waving me on as my wife was screaming at me and finally I pulled up to the window. The attendant told me I was just getting on the thruway, hence no ticket. I pulled over at the first rest area and had my wife get in the back. The kids went into the rest area and as I got out of the vehicle she gave me a good punch in the back.

So what could be worst you wonder???

I remember one time while I was still living in the house the final year her saying she was going out with her co-workers and asking me for comments on her hair, dress, shoes and jewelry she was wearing. I would later find out that she was going out with a married male friend and not her coworkers and that their relationship had been going on for a few months. You could say I caught her red handed as I got a message from the friend who she was suppose to be out with, who had called to ask her to go to work early. I told her friend she should look on the side of herself as that is where the wife was suppose to be. Later when I confronted my wife she offered no apology or excuse.

Yes that is bad, but it does get worst!

On our 25th wedding anniversary she chose to go to Boston for the weekend while I stayed home with our son and she hooked up with a married guy from the internet. When their tryst was done in her hotel room she actually called me on the phone and blasted me out for her being “alone” on our 25th wedding anniversary. I didn't know then she was fooling around I would find out that later after I moved out from her then current boyfriend.

I would also later find out that she had an online relationship for a few years with a married guy in Florida. Now I don't put much stock into the reality of a relationship over a long distance because flirting is one thing, but she actually took the children to Florida for a vacation with her family while I was living in the house. While there she left my son with my sister in law and went to meet her "soul mate". Unfortunately for her he stood her up because he was seeing his girl friend that he had on the side. My daughter got the message at the hotel from the guy canceling the date.

Now I am not trying to be the “victim” here, but I do know what cruel and abusive treatment is and all that was just wrong.

In all honesty I will say that we went through so much during our marriage that most people never experience. I think other people in the same situation would have divorced years ago. I will also acknowledge I am no angel and that I am not the total victim. It took a while for me to grow up and become responsible. Contrary to what has been said I provided for my family and for many years made more money than she did. I made my own mistakes and I acknowledge them but I am hardly the monster that I am portrayed to be. I did not leave my wife for someone else and I asked for a divorce because I was tired on being manipulated and controlled and nothing more. I put my children first and was there for them which is why I have such a good relationship with them today. I am not going to apoligize for that and I am sorry she resents the time I devoted to them. I married for love and not money.

After years of being married and raising a family we separated after 25 years of marriage which was a year after Jessica’s death. Both my daughter Jennifer and our son Tim approved of the separation. We remained separated for a couple of years, each dating others.

Eventually the back disorder reappeared and I was taken out of work by one of the specialists for two years. Meds and physical therapy returned to my life along with every test you could possibly imagine. The disorder was finally labeled a disabilty and I was told that eventually pain medication and therapy will only go so far, eventually I will need to have several discs replaced as a last alternative. I was stressed out but at least I wasn’t depressed as the depression had ended prior to moving out of the house. Not long after I eventually had a heart attack which led to new problems. Financially I was bottomed out as the disability insurance from work only lasted so long. Bills mounted and I was forced into bankruptcy after having no alternative but to hand over my car and worst yet forced into public assistance for a period of time until the doctor finally cleared me to return to work, with restrictions of course. Being at rock bottom financially and physically gave the wife the perfect opportunity to file for divorce and on the 12th day of Christmas the knock at the door brought divorce papers. Nice Christmas gift!

What followed for the next year through the divorce was indeed eye opening. In her quest to be the innocent victim she spread a vicious lie amongst the family from Massachusetts right up to NY and right through my son’s school to destroy my reputation. She made herself the victim and totally blameless for the divorce and in fact, for awhile people felt sorry for her. She lied on every single divorce document covering up her finances and extramarital affairs while I was still living in the house. I was forced to be my own attorney which I have to say I did a pretty good job. I got legal advice from attorneys prior to anything that I had to file. She tried to cut me out of everything, as money means everything to her. I investigated and had a briefcase full of proof of all her liaisons, some of which even shocked me. I countersued and fought hard. My biggest regret today is that in the end I chose to settle out of court. I knew to pursue it further would drag the children into the mess and I didn’t want that. I also knew if I continued to pursue the divorce it would have gone on for several more months. I ended up with several things from the house (told ya it is all about tables and lamps in the end!), some of which took 3 years to actually get her to release, half of her pension, joint custody of our son, a few things of our late daughter and a few conditions written against some of the items in the house to prevent her from selling them. But as I said in settling out of court it gave her the false illusion that she is blameless and also the false illusion that I wasn’t entitled to a money settlement. Strange isn't it, that a man can be entitled to money when in most instances the shoe is on the other foot? But you see while I was penniless and on public assistance and at home with my son, she was living high and taking all kinds of vacations for herself and going on endless shopping sprees. Had I not agreed to settle out of court she would have had to pay me off in spousal support and a cash settlement against the degree she holds for nursing since she got the degree while we were married. To this day she cannot understand any of that.

But then again I reminded myself that I didn't marry for money and wasn't getting divorced for money either. Her controlling did not stop with the divorce and in some ways still continue to this day in one form or another. During the horrid time of being on social assistance she lied once again and had me falsely arrested for fraud. My name was in the newspapers and I had court appearances and formal charges placed against me. My public attorney did little to assist me and it was me who fought through it all. It took two years to get the charges dropped and another year to get my record cleared. I cannot do anything of course of what was printed in the papers initially. Once again I had the opportunity to strike back but chose not to as I refused to sign any forms for legal procedings to take place against her. Once again I thought of the children first. Now you may ask is he nuts? But in all honesty nothing my wife ever did to me was worst than the day that Jessica died and nothing in life will ever be worst than that day. If you have lost a child, you know exactly what I am talking about. Spouses and lovers can come and go, but burying a child is worst than anything you can possibly imagine. That pain and emptyness goes on forever.

Am I bitter? I have to say that at times I am very bitter, especially when I hear some of the things she says to the kids to try to turn them against me. She buys them expensive gifts constantly, as she believes she can buy their love and respect. Fortunately they know her well and all she is doing is creating a further barrier with them. Her relationship with the children is strained. I think that is a shame, I don't know how I would feel if my children felt that way about me.

My ex is plagued by failed relationships with various men she meets over the internet. She has personal ads on all the dating sites seeking a man who makes at least 50 grand a year. Our son has decided to move out of her home and into mine. He is with me more than he is with her anyway and he prefers it that way. Now nearly 16 he is old enough to tell a judge where he wants to live. Her family do support her, but they know she lied, to this day she cannot understand why they don’t come over as much. The doctors and school staff know of the lies as well and have been very supportive of me. I hope in the future she finds someone to make her happy and I hope someday she realizes that money is not everything. Perhaps someday she won't be so controlling, but that is no longer my issue to worry about.

I was told by people that “what goes around, comes around”. In all honesty I couldn’t see that during that hectic time of the divorce. But it is true what they say. I got a job that I love, assisting people with disabilities to find employment so that they can gain independence in their lives. My experience in dealing with social assistance plays an important factor in my job as I now advocate for my consumers. I have the love of my son and daughter who support me greatly in being there for me and who both show me great respect. I have two grandsons and a son in law who are very important to me in my life. I am involved in a relationship which brings me great happiness on a level that I never knew existed. Perhaps one day we will share our lives and live in the same residence, for now we live apart. Financially I am rebuilding though I will admit the process is slow and sometimes I feel like I am living paycheck to paycheck. But I do have a nice apartment and I am slowly getting back on my feet. I have been very fortunate to have the support of my sister and children, to say nothing of the support I have been given by the person I am dating. My lover brings me happiness and fulfills my needs of trust, honesty and respect.

I no longer look at relationships as being as “till death do we part”. Although I would be quite willing to wear a ring again. I could be talked into binding a relationship with a ceremony on a beach. But then I guess we can all dream, now can't we? I can no longer receive communion and so I don’t go to church. I do however believe in God and the afterlife. Idealistically I still maintain the thought of two becoming one and growing old together. I hate being home alone when my son is not with me. My needs are trust, honesty and respect and I will settle for nothing short of what I am willing to give of myself. It is too late for my marriage, but it is not too late to live the life that I want to live with the person that I want in my life. I am fortunate to have found that person and fortunate to have my children’s blessing to do so!